Due to a longstanding problem with areas where I do not excel, I have developed a habit of panicking or even freaking out when I’m met with their challenges. These areas include mathematics, mechanics, and computers. I find that past failures when dealing in these weak spots causes me to expect and often realize failure.
Recently, I attempted to overcome this dilemma when I tried to provide an image of my post’s topic of relationship with God. I felt that it was important and that surely God would honor my efforts to produce such an image. I had an idea of what I wanted, which involved a profile picture of myself with which I would somehow include a faded image of Christ. However, try as I might, I couldn’t find the intended photo after searching through a multitude of pictures.
“Okay, then,” I said to my frustrated self, “I’ll try plan B.” This centered around use of a greeting card program which had an art studio where one could create cards. My hope was to transpose said creation onto my post.
My frustration level grew as I repeated various methods of deletion of texts and addition of texts to a likely Father’s Day card with the word “Godfather” on the front which I could rearrange. Despite my brilliant plan, I had no success in transporting this creation to my post. In a high state of angst, I cried out to God, “If You want me to publish this piece, why don’t You help me?” Tears followed and the usual pattern of feeling helpless and unworthy from previous experiences.
After literal hours of work on this project, it turned out that Hallmark does not approve of this use of their copyrighted property. So, onto plan C. This time I simply surrendered to the fact that I just needed to go with a nice picture and call it a day. At least I had published it, regardless of the less-desired image.
Later that evening, my daughter called, so I shared my frustrations with her and even admitted to the pity party I’d had with God. She is an expert on learning disabilities and our family history of the same. She kindly reminded me that my success could have been enhanced by taking a break, deep breathing and by overcoming my anxiety-ridden attitude. She even suggested that maybe God was trying to teach me something He saw as a priority over my publishing the piece.
What was she saying? Did I have a bad attitude or was I just frustrated as I attempted to persevere? Or, I admitted, was I just being stubborn in my refusal to mature and grow into better habits?
I reminded her that if I hadn’t been stubborn, I wouldn’t have been married for forty-seven years. Nor would I have met some of the other life challenges I’d encountered.
However, it did cause me to realize that perhaps stubbornness and perseverance were not quite the same. They both involved longevity of effort, but stubbornness was perhaps the staying on of a bad habit or just plain refusal to change. Whereas perseverance could be about hanging on when something needed to be finished and change could be a part of it.
How could I make the better choice and overcome my bad habit of refusal to learn and grow? I guess it’s time to humbly tell God I’m sorry and ask for his forgiveness and help to change.